Comparisons

I've been finding it hard to carry on conversations with people lately.  Inevitably, the question comes up, "so, what's new with you guys."  Generally, my answer ends up being, "well, you know, our life really isn't that exciting/interesting/action-packed.  Life's pretty boring, actually."  Then comes the awkward silence as Ms. Boring tries to come up with anything at all to conversate about.  I'm telling these people the truth, really.  My life is not exciting right now, at least not compared to everyone else around me.  They are juggling a home life with full time jobs, I'm catching up on the second season of Glee on Netflix.  They are pursuing various endeavors, I'm starting to potty train Lexi (which I'm sure no one really wants to hear the details of).  Unfortunately, by downplaying my life in my interactions with others, I'm really downplaying the potential for amazing friendships and relationships.  I'm shutting down conversations with other people before they even start, based on my own comparisons.  I'm very guilty of making sure that I don't fit, that I am too different from everyone else to ever build a truly meaningful friendship.

In church, and in our Bible study during the week, we're studying Ephesians.  Right now, we're in the end of chapter 2, where Paul paints this wonderful picture for his readers: a picture of unity.  He essentially says, "You were once separated from everyone, both God and other people.  You were alone, desperate for love and life.  Then, through the absolute amazingness of God, you were reconciled to Him, and because of this reconciliation, the wall between you and the rest of humanity was torn down. (read Ephesians 2:11-22)"   So, here's the important question for myself: why do I keep trying to re-build that wall?  I am surrounded by a group of wonderful people, who are loving, and giving, and intensely passionate about God.  I want my relationships with the people of my church to be real, uninhibited, joyful friendships.  There's an art print/quote I've seen floating around the internets that reads, "Don't let comparison steal your joy."  How incredible it could be if that were true in my life, and in yours!

The most amazing part of this whole thought is this: we don't all have to be the same.  A great example was brought up on Sunday, regarding building a wall.  Generally, when I think of building a wall, or a building, this picture comes to mind:

This is a brick wall.  All the stones are uniform in composition, color, and shape.  Every brick fits nicely and smoothly next to the other one.  This is not how the church works, even though it seems like a lot of effort is made to make things appear this way.

This is how the church really looks:

Every stone is different.  Some are big, and some are small.  Some have their shape from being broken, others from being hewn with tools.  The great thing is, they might not fit nicely together, but in some unexplainable way, God makes them fit.  The building He makes is strong and sturdy, built with stones that are immensely different, yet joined together into one holy structure.  (I'm pretty sure I'm one of the little ones in the bottom middle, just sort of stuck there to seal up the spaces!)

If you are someone reading that could never see themselves fitting in a church, whether from past bad experiences, or fear of being judged, I want to apologize to you for everything you've been through.  The personalities of those that follow Christ are supposed to be those of love.  I'm still a work in progress, but my deepest prayer is that every thought, action, and breath be borne out of the love of God.  This love, this life full of Him is never meant to exclude.  You don't have to be on the outside, looking in.  You have an incredible opportunity to be a part of something bigger than can be completely understood, and you have the opportunity to be a part of that surrounded by other people who have been loved by God in spite of their brokenness.  You have an amazing opportunity to have a life filled with Love, unending, unquenchable, irresistible, life-changing, always surprising, never disappointing Love.

Genuine Love

My best friend and I used to go out. A lot. Almost every night posed a new adventure, with new things to experience and new people to meet. We made it a point not to take anything too seriously, and viewed almost everyone as a potential friend. We would generally find a new circle of people to start hanging out with, maybe a new boyfriend for one or both of us, and settle in with a new group of friends. The only problem was, with new friends came new drama. We would invariably get fed up with someone or some event, drop all contact with these people, and decide that we were going to start saving up our money and move to Colorado. Then, we'd go out, end up making new friends, and start the cycle over. To be honest, some of these people are still in our lives, but for the most part, we didn't foster many lasting friendships, except with each other. Throughout all of it, the recurring complaint she and I used to have was "why we can't find any genuine people" to keep in our lives. The drama, backbiting, and two-faced nature of relative strangers wore us out, and we just wanted people in our lives who were "real."

Since that stage in our life, we have both had some changes in our lives. We've both had babies, and have started new endeavors. The biggest part of my new life has been my relationship with God, and re-learning what it means to be part of a church. I can honestly say, I have found a body of people who can be described as "genuine." God has been making it a point lately to show me His love in His people, and I keep being surprised. Whether it's a group of women shedding tears for me as I experience a loss, or a random text message to help cheer me up, I have never opened myself up to receive this much love. It's beyond amazing.

Outfit Details: 
Dress: Plato's Closet resale, $10
Tank: Gap Outlet, $6 
Sweater: Wal-Mart, $7 (old) 
Shoes: Payless, $7 (old) 
Necklace: Icing by Claire's (old)

'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays!'

The title of this post makes it sound like this Monday was not enjoyable. That is the opposite of the truth. I do admit, after this whirlwind of a weekend, it was a bit mundane. "What's that, Lexi, you want to watch ANOTHER episode of Blue's Clues?" But, life can't be full of adventure and excitement all the time, and down-time is essential for re-booting and taking on whatever comes next. Here's a quick run-down of what my weekend entailed:

Friday: I woke up that morning, and immediately shuffled my way to the bathroom to take my last pregnancy test and confirm what I thought was happening. The nifty little screen on my Clearblue test read, "Not Pregnant." I told Andrew, and we both got a little sad, but I had decided I was done crying over this, so I went about my day. Later on, I met with a few women from my church, including my big sister and mother-in-law, to eat some dessert and enjoy free childcare while we engaged in some grown-up conversation. It was an amazing time, and something I hope gets repeated in the future. In the course of conversation, I was asked what was "big" in my life lately. It was an ironic question, and I shared with these beautiful women what had happened. I had a miscarriage. I sat there and bawled, and told all of them I thought I was done grieving, and I wish I knew what God was doing, and allowed my facade of "being OK" to melt away. I cannot express, at least without starting to bawl again, how amazing these women are. I received hugs and prayer, and even more importantly, the insight that it was healthy to continue grieving my loss. A few even shared with me snippets of their own experiences, and overall, it was incredible to feel such a pouring out of love.

Saturday: I awoke at 6:30 to a fussy baby and groaned. My alarm wasn't supposed to go off until an hour later, and I needed all the extra sleep I could get. The night before, I had laid in bed, tossed and turned, and refused to cuddle with my hubby because it was "too hot and I can't sleep," until I finally drifted off about 1 AM. The reason for my insomnia? I knew I was going to have to get up early for a day of outlet mall shopping in Branson! My mother-in-law had set up a girl's day of shopping with myself, her two adopted daughters Lilly and Anna, and my sister-in-law Rachel. With the excitement still lodged in my mind, I pulled myself out of bed in the morning to warm up some milk for Lexi, in the hopes she would go back to sleep so I had time to get ready unencumbered. After she dropped off, I climbed back into bed for some cuddle time with hubby before my alarm went off and I actually HAD to get up. I got ready and said goodbye before heading out the door.

Once the two-hour drive, full of good conversation and the sound of two giggly girls from the back seat, was over, we hit the outlets, where I managed to score some major deals. I do have to give credit to my incredible extended family for the funding of my shopping, and I'm almost afraid to mention it since I might start bawling again. While we were eating lunch, my husband's great-grandmother (who we all call Granny) slipped me a few folded bills and told me she wanted me to "have fun today, since I understand what it's like to be just starting out in a marriage and not have anything extra." I slipped the bills into my wallet and gave her a heartfelt "thank you," before excusing myself to the bathroom to cry over her little act of generosity. Later on, my mother-in-law also handed me a gift card that had a remaining balance she wanted me to have, just in case I found something I really wanted for Lexi and myself. Suffice it to say, my shopping budget was a lot bigger than I expected it to be, and I definitely found some amazing deals to spend it on!

Sunday: In the morning was church, and I didn't want to go. Once again, I didn't want to roll out of bed, but I THOUGHT I was in the nursery that day. I probably wouldn't have complained if I had managed to fall asleep before 3 AM. Ah, the adrenaline high of having an incredible shopping day! Turns out, I wasn't in the nursery until next week, but I still got to hear an really good message and sing my heart out. That evening, Andrew, Lexi, and I attended a mini-concert/ichttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gife cream social at my parents' church to hear George Miladin play piano. I never get tired of hearing his arrangements of songs, even though I had the privilege of attending as a child the church he pastored in San Diego. I visited with my parents and some other people I hadn't seen in a while before heading home to collapse after those busy couple of days.

Overall, I came to a very obvious conclusion: I love my family so very much, and am so blessed to live in the same region of the country as almost all of them! Not only that, but I've found an amazing church family as well, and I cannot stop thanking God for that. My only regret from this weekend is that I didn't take any outfit shots, but I will include a couple pictures of my nails. I made an attempt to mix a 'neon and neutral' color palette to try the trend, and I like how they turned out! (Please pay no attention to my teenie-tiny pinky!)




Nail Polish:
NYC 'Nail Glossies' in #233
A Perfect "10" in #376