As true as the above statements are, sometimes I find it hard to live them out. I keep seeing a print on Pinterest that reads "Let your faith be bigger than your fear." That is a huge concept to wrap my mind around. I've gotten into a routine in my life where I've allowed my insecurities to dictate how I live. They seep into obvious areas, such as how I dress myself, and slightly less obvious ones, like how I interact with other people. It feels like there's this little tangled ball of scared all wrapped up in a skin named Grace. I had the momentary realization this week in church that if I really were willing to surrender all of that to God, I'd have no idea how to live my life. All the coping mechanisms that I've learned and established over the past 26 years would be done away with, and I would have to rely on God for everything. It was a terrifying idea, and it was a big enough moment that I had to make a dramatic exit (at least it seemed dramatic in my head) from the sanctuary to go compose myself in the bathroom before I became a gigantic soggy mess in public.
The fact of the matter is, I have nothing to be afraid of. "God is love," and "perfect love casts out all fear." If I were really willing to surrender to God, the fear would be gone, and I'd be free to really live for Him. My life would be better. It would probably be harder as well, but still better. I want to look in a mirror and see myself the way that God does. I want to hold a conversation with another human that doesn't leave me doubting almost every word I say. I want to give up what my dad calls, "a morbid sense of self."
I want to live like Christ is the center of my world, and not just say I believe in the concept. I want to WANT to give it all up for Him. I'm incapable of it on my own, and I need Him to make me willing. I just hope it happens soon!
Shirt: Wal-Mart, $4
Dress: Wet Seal, $8 (old)
Leggings: Wal-Mart, $5 (old)
Belt: my mom's closet
Boots: NYC Style, $15
Earrings: $1 Jewelry Galore