Monday, July 11, 2011

So, I didn't take any pictures of myself yesterday, and to be honest I didn't really feel like doing anything either. I almost decided to abandon this blog, but I decided I would use it as an outlet instead.

I think I'm having a miscarriage, and I can't talk to anyone about it. We haven't told anyone in our family that I'm pregnant, and I don't suppose there's any point in telling them, "oh, yeah, but the baby's dying."

I honestly don't know how I feel about this. I've gone from this super awesome high point where "OMG I'm HAVING A BABY!," that lasted all day Friday and Saturday, and then crashed Sunday morning when I started bleeding. It wasn't some super dramatic moment where I collapse in a pool of blood and pain. It's been more of a downward slope where every time there's new blood, I'm reminded of this baby I'm probably not going to have.

Part of me is trying to be logical about it. We can't afford to have another baby, there wouldn't have been an appropriate age difference between the two children, at least I won't be sleep-deprived again. Every time I start to rationalize it, however, I just feel guilty for having any reason to be happy while I'm losing a child.

I also hate how I went from this emotional high with God, where I was submitting to God's will, and I was happy to do it, since I had a child to look forward to. Then, the moment I'm at peace with His decision, He takes my little one away. It really is hard to remain joyful in submitting to Him when the answer isn't something you want to hear. My poor husband is being incredibly supportive, to the point where I feel really guilty even relying on him. He told me his first thought was "how can I fix it?," and it's hard on him knowing the answer to that is nothing.

I read a few articles that said that bleeding during pregnancy is only a 50/50 sign that you are miscarrying, so there's still that hope, but I don't feel that right now. I don't 'feel' pregnant any more, and that's hard.

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